It’s late at night on Easter weekend. I’m at my parents house in Devon. Naturally, being my childhood home, being here always stirs up memories of the past so it’s not unusual thing to feel nostalgic.
The thing is, since arriving here, away from all the recent events which have challenged me, it has also made me reconsider the future somewhat.
I have to admit, my confidence is at rock bottom at the moment. Lack of work coupled with low mood, doesn’t exactly do wonders for a person at the best of times, but recently, I have bee struggling to stay motivated and questioning whether I want to do Photography at all anymore. I’m a tiny fish in a pond so big, it can’t even be classed as a pond at all. At the very best I am average in most of the work I do and just feel like I’m stalling.
When I was 15, I knew I wanted to study Photography when I left school. I was adamant I would get out of town to do this too, Newton Abbot is hardly the hive of creative activity and I’d always had my sights set on Exeter College. When I eventually got there, it was everything I hoped it would be. I had the time of my life and I loved studying Photography every bit as much as I hoped I would. I’d never felt like I’d fit in anywhere before, and this new and exciting adventure is what propelled me to where I am today.
Being here, reminds me of my 16 year old self, and how happy Photography made me, so I’m using this period of reflection to try and reclaim some of that passion and excitement. I was never the best image maker in my class, but I wanted to be, and that drive has always stayed with me. Even now. I just don’t know how to give it the kick start it needs.
There are definitely some decisions to made in the near future. The adult in me knows I need to get things done, and by any means in order to keep things stable, however I need the teenager in me to keep screaming about the excitement of image making if I’m going to continue down this road. She was never a very confident person either, but boy, did she have vision. I can’t believe how enthusiastic and optimistic I was.
Perhaps one day, I’ll share with you some of the work I created back then. Mediocre images of an over-enthusiastic teenager let loose in a darkroom, before pixels took over. I really miss those days.
For now, the conflict between my teenage self and adult self will continue for the next few days. I know you shouldn’t really pick sides, but I have, and I am whole-heartedly rooting for her. I’ve been so very fortunate, I just hope that doesn’t end here.