I’m not having a good day today. Not that it’s anything unusual for me, but these last few weeks my moods may have started to lift a little. Either that or I’ve subconsciously learned how to allow things other than anxiety and intense sadness in.
It kind of feels like it’s crunch time at the moment. Things can’t stay in this state of suspension forever, they need to start moving forward again, but the truth is, I just don’t know how. I need to be working, that much is obvious, but the endless stream of spending hours on applications only to be followed by rejection letters is getting more than a little draining now.
Failing finding employment, I could be working on myself. Taking care of my health, planning business ventures or just generally taking care of my wellbeing – but I’m not doing that either. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve completely forgotten how to live.
The last two days I have woken up with the very best of intentions, but the universe has had other plans, so as such I’m now just as unproductive as if I hadn’t even bothered trying. Feels great.
On top of that, I know what a drain I’m being on those around me. I have two modes at the moment, honest or the act. The act being to pretend everything is fine, or at least not as bad as they think it is. It’s exhausting, un-motivating and boring.
I just feel like I want to scream out; ‘I’m here! Please give me a chance!’