It’s Been A While

Well, Hello World.

I’ve taken a deliberate hiatus from blogging as I promised myself the next post I wrote would be about how Neko returned home and life went on as before. But he never came home, and now 9 months down the line I don’t think he ever will. My heart is completely shattered and it still hurts every day. The hardest part is just not knowing what happened to him, even if it was bad news, at least I’d know and be able to grieve properly, but that’s just not going to happen.

We actively searched for the first few month and received several suspected sightings, but nothing ever came to anything. We leafleted our local area, put up posters and shared in endless Facebook groups, but no joy.

Life has effectively stopped since he left. This year has been terrible, and while I can’t wait for it to be over, I am dreading next year being just as bad and nothing changing.

Ive been out of work for the last 6 months. This time through choice. I was bullied out of my job at the beauty company, then let go from the place I went after that. I’m done with shitty jobs. I’m done with being treated like shit. Done with putting so much effort in, only for people to tear me down anyway. I need a break. Whatever I do next needs to be a good calculated career move and not just taking another shitty job for the sake of it, I’ve learned the hard way that it just isn’t worth it.

So right now, I’m at a crossroads. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, but I need to fix myself before I do anything else. I’ve been suffering from the worst anxiety of my life throughout this year. It’s gotten so bad that it’s now my default setting to be on edge and completely wired all the time, I can’t switch off and I can’t calm down. My brain is a foggy mess, and because of this, I didn’t notice the depression creeping up on me either. I’m a mental and emotional wreck.

I’m sorry this isn’t a very cheerful blog post. I will update again very shortly and update you all on my camera related adventures, which have been sort of ok this year and I’d quite like to share some stuff with you all.

Thanks for reading guys, I hope you’re all well and doing awesome.

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It’s been a while

Well, Hello there.

It’s been a while hasn’t it? I’ve not written here for a long time. I’ve not done much for a long time, but I’m just about ready to come out of hiding now and get back out into that scary old world.

January was hard. I had a lot of horrible things to deal with and I fell into a really bad place. Life is full of ups and downs, having been accustomed to the downs in life and therefore generally managing them pretty well, I can usually find the light at the end of the tunnel, but this time I really couldn’t.

Usually, even in my darkest hours I have found something to cling to, something to keep me going, or was simply able to tell myself that things would get better in the end, but this time I just didn’t see that at all. I couldn’t figure out what I possibly had to look forward to any more. I felt trapped in a world of endless tomorrows where nothing made sense. I couldn’t move forward because it felt like everything was constantly blocking my way and I’d be trapped forever.

Then one day, after waking myself up with a panic attack, I knew I had to do something. So  I reached out. The solution may be long winded but was much simpler than I imagined it would be and after a few hours of what felt like endless phone calls, it was finally in place and I could finally move forward.

I then became ill. Weak, exhausted and stressed, I just wanted to sleep forever. Then the bleeding started and the weakness got worse. I powered on as best I could but felt like I would just burst into tears over the most trivial things. Shortly after came the pain. Swiftly followed by the blood tests, now I’m just waiting for the results.

One afternoon, I sat at the bus stop waiting for the first of my three bus journey home from work and checked my email. I do this every day. A glimmer of hope finally arrived. The following day, so did another. Now there are three. Suddenly, the fog began to lift and I didn’t feel quite so lost anymore.

Now, I’m awake. Awake doesn’t mean what it did six months ago. Six months ago, being awake meant functioning like a regular person. Today, being awake means making it through the day without needing to stop for a rest or a nap. On the best days there’s no pain either.

For now all I can do is wait until the Doctors are able to tell me what is wrong with me. But that’s ok. There are minuscule things to look forward to, and eventually these will grow into better, brighter days and I’ll remember what it feels like to be human again.

Please don’t suffer alone. There is always help to be found if you’re willing to look for it. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak or a bad person, it means you’re ready to take the steps you need to come out the other side. And you will. The bag of prescription drugs that was so tempting some days still sits untouched in the kitchen cupboard and that’s where it shall stay.

I don’t know what I’m going to do now, but I’m going to use this tiny bit of energy I have. It feels good. I’d almost forgotten how good it feels to be productive.

Be good to each other. We are all we have.