Let’s talk about 2017

We’re here again.

We’ve reached the end of yet another year, one I’d really rather forget.

With Neko going missing I don’t think this was ever going to be a good year, but this is one that went from bad, to worse, to unbearable at some points.

I wish I was able to offer up some note of hope or faith or optimism, but I just don’t have any of those things left at the moment. I know we’re supposed to go into New Years with at least a little of those things, but all I have is the looming sense of fear that it’s just going to be more and more of the same.

Entering 2018 I am going to be sad, broke and feeling as though I am the least employable person in England. I need things to change so that I can take care of myself and relieve the pressure I’m putting on Joe because he’s working so hard to support us both and it’s super unfair. I apply for so many jobs but never get anywhere and to be honest I’m a little tired of hearing the well scripted rejection letters consisting of tripe about how the standard was so very high – and basically I’m not good enough. I’m tired of going to interviews where I am tasked with things which have nothing to do with the job I’ve applied for, how is that a fair assessment of how well I can do they job you’ve actually advertised. I’m tired of interviewers not listening to what I’m saying and twisting it to make it into something that suits their agenda. Job hunting should not be that hard or that unfair.

I work hard, I try hard. I just need a chance.

This year has also been kind of lonely, I’ve not seen that much of my friends this year and that is largely down to me. I promise I will try to be a much better friend next year.

Health wise, this has been one of the hardest ones on record, and I don’t just have the uveitis to thank this time. I’ve been struggling with low moods for a very long time. This year, it all came to a head in very traumatic circumstances, which I won’t go into. Diagnosis: Panic Disorder and Depression. I used to be one of those people that didn’t really understand depression, but now I do, and it all came too late.

I’ve always been pretty open about suffering from anxiety. The symptoms are very physical and hard to ignore, depression is something which can easily be confused or mistaken for low mood. Then one day you realise those low moods have been hanging around for quite a while and have long outstayed their welcome. You’re exhausted constantly and everything feels like an effort. It doesn’t take much to upset you and them bam! All of a sudden, there it is. The big black cloud of depression. So cliched, yet so true. The world is suddenly full of dark fog and you can’t find your way out no matter how hard you try.

I’m still very much lost in that fog. I will be until help arrives and I have no idea how long that will take.

Creatively, this year hasn’t been too bad. I’ve been networking like crazy and met some awesome people, been to some amazing shoots and got to do things I never thought I would. Here are a few highlights.

158

 

twinshotweb

 

Gigi2web

 

20

 

32

 

Auriol18-2

 

So there you have it. 2017 all wrapped and almost gone. I would really like for the creative stuff to keep going, but the badness to stop.

Please cut me a break 2018. I’m not sure how much more I can take.

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It’s been a while

Well, Hello there.

It’s been a while hasn’t it? I’ve not written here for a long time. I’ve not done much for a long time, but I’m just about ready to come out of hiding now and get back out into that scary old world.

January was hard. I had a lot of horrible things to deal with and I fell into a really bad place. Life is full of ups and downs, having been accustomed to the downs in life and therefore generally managing them pretty well, I can usually find the light at the end of the tunnel, but this time I really couldn’t.

Usually, even in my darkest hours I have found something to cling to, something to keep me going, or was simply able to tell myself that things would get better in the end, but this time I just didn’t see that at all. I couldn’t figure out what I possibly had to look forward to any more. I felt trapped in a world of endless tomorrows where nothing made sense. I couldn’t move forward because it felt like everything was constantly blocking my way and I’d be trapped forever.

Then one day, after waking myself up with a panic attack, I knew I had to do something. So  I reached out. The solution may be long winded but was much simpler than I imagined it would be and after a few hours of what felt like endless phone calls, it was finally in place and I could finally move forward.

I then became ill. Weak, exhausted and stressed, I just wanted to sleep forever. Then the bleeding started and the weakness got worse. I powered on as best I could but felt like I would just burst into tears over the most trivial things. Shortly after came the pain. Swiftly followed by the blood tests, now I’m just waiting for the results.

One afternoon, I sat at the bus stop waiting for the first of my three bus journey home from work and checked my email. I do this every day. A glimmer of hope finally arrived. The following day, so did another. Now there are three. Suddenly, the fog began to lift and I didn’t feel quite so lost anymore.

Now, I’m awake. Awake doesn’t mean what it did six months ago. Six months ago, being awake meant functioning like a regular person. Today, being awake means making it through the day without needing to stop for a rest or a nap. On the best days there’s no pain either.

For now all I can do is wait until the Doctors are able to tell me what is wrong with me. But that’s ok. There are minuscule things to look forward to, and eventually these will grow into better, brighter days and I’ll remember what it feels like to be human again.

Please don’t suffer alone. There is always help to be found if you’re willing to look for it. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak or a bad person, it means you’re ready to take the steps you need to come out the other side. And you will. The bag of prescription drugs that was so tempting some days still sits untouched in the kitchen cupboard and that’s where it shall stay.

I don’t know what I’m going to do now, but I’m going to use this tiny bit of energy I have. It feels good. I’d almost forgotten how good it feels to be productive.

Be good to each other. We are all we have.